“you already failed me, dad. you really did.”

this morning i texted my dad, asking for help for my mom. i texted him first. he said that he might couldn't help me. i didn't know what happen but it turned out to speaking up my feelings and his too. i told him that i was dissapointed from the very first start he left me, far away from home.

—

it's for you, dad, finally i let you know that i'm so dissapointed on you from the very first start you left me hanging there 10 years ago, making me like this. but i don't wanna blame you, because i know it's my fault for not texted you oftenly and being such careless kid. you should know there's a HOLE in my heart, and it still hurts and got me cry everytime i speak about it.

you made big walls within us, keeping us apart. 10 years ago you kicked me out of your house with your new family. silently i cried over the night knowing you didn't want to be with me, your son, and your loyal-wife anymore. you turned off your phone along the night for almost 8 years just to make sure your new wife didn't know if i called, texted you or something. you cutted me off just to call you everytime i wanted to. it's been thousand days and nights without you by my side for the last 10 years.

i don't want to be like you or mom. i want to be like me, better version of me as a human, as a daughter, as a woman, as a wife and as a mom. now i don't know how to deal with it, i'm struggling with self-love and the disease in my body. you don't wanna know about it, do you? that's okay.

all i want you to do is, please help me taking care of mom. you don't have to worry about me because i already figuring myself out. i can take care of myself. just help her whenever she needs anything.

and now i don't know what i'm going to do to you. i don't want to push you away. i just don't know how to fix this. 

but anyway thank you for failed me, you did such a great job as a father to your horrible childerns. 

i love you, and i will always will even it hurts to love someone who already lost. :)