hi, peeps! how's your life? i don't want to talk about anything seriously right now because i've been too stressful lately because of something i couldn't tell. but here i am, going to tell you how my life is going for about first two months in 2020. it's almost the end of february so yeah please enjoy this post!

i'm going to take you back in november 2019 where i realized that i got fucking messed up; feeling so alone and lonely like no body wanted me, and feeling like i was all alone through everything ups and downs in my whole life. the point is, i was feeling unloved and unwanted. it happened 'till december 2019. two months i've been through that stupid thoughts in my head like an idiot. so, in january i realized that i couldn't be like this forever. i made some resolution for this new year, like doing sport regularly every weekend, writing my own journal and i made fun of it, and start looking for new activities or side job for extra money. but i almost forgot to write in this blog. LOL. please don't blame me! i want to get healthier for the sake of my body and my lungs, so i do sport every weekend with my boyfriend. i want to be more organize about my life, so i write a journal. that book of journal fills with my notes, example what i'd love to do, what i eat today, how's my mood today, my habit, my movie i've watched in 2020, my period tracker, and off course my diary! i write what i really feels and what's in my mind, just like diary i used to write in school. and adding another new activity (or new side job?) for extra money off course.

in the middle of january, i sent my application latter to two radios station in town for part-time announcer position. one of them called me at the end of january, they'd like to get to know me by interview. i came and i felt there was something wrong with this company, i just didn't know why. but i'd keep walking on their line. few days later, someone called me back (just call him, Mr. A) and told me that i was accepted on his company! i was so happy back then, and i started learning that position. that broadcasting thing was so new for me, i didn't have any experience of it before. so, Mr. A taught me one or two about that thing. i was a trainee 'till he decided that i should start on air-ing soon, and there was another announcer taught me so much more than Mr. A did. we became friends, even i didn't talk as much as he did. but something happened between all of that thing. my head got so dizzy and crazier, just like in november. i was so messed up. few days i pushed people away, except my boyfriend. even though i didn't tell him why and what i was feeling, after all the point is, i was so messed up my head and people around me. i couldn't walking on their line anymore. i just couldn't feel that happiness when i did that. off course i'd love talking a lot about so many things, and i have enough words to say but i just couldn't go back there. so i left them behind. 

it was so funny, isn't? one time you're really passionate about something and you want to do anything to fill your soul and make yourselves happier, and in the next time all you want to do is leaving them behind because it no longer satisfies you, no longer gives you what you're looking for. and i want to say sorry for leaving them behind. maybe it's all me and my dizzy head and my habit for pushing people away when i got 'sick'. 

but the first two months of 2020 aren't so bad at all. i got few happiness and peaceful mind (even it was just for awhile) and so many things i should grateful for for example i got almost-high score in CPNS test, alhamdulillah even though i don't know will i am going to the next test, the final test of CPNS. just wish me luck, okay? even i don't want to hang on to something called hope because when it turns wrong (as not what i wish for) i'm easily going stress. so, yeah, i don't want to expect anything but keep praying for what i really wanted. and there was spirit of my beloved friend, rina and rusdi. they're the best. i love them. and my boyfriend as also my partner for life, i want to thank them all genuinely from the bottom my heart.


and today i feel worried about my health. i got cough, and i'm scared of it becomes worse or something. i hope it's just another cough, an ordinary ones. this post is kinda like diary, isn't this? nice to meet you in this page, thank you for your time to read this post. see you!